Who’s stopping you?

If it bothers you this much, why don’t you do something about it. Who’s stopping you?

Something I am dealing with lately. Everyday I manifest who I want to be. Fucking independent. It comes at a cost, I know. You don’t value what you got, I do. You are selfish, if wanting to live on your terms, may be I am becoming selfish as I age!

Okay coming back to the topic. When I tell this to anyone, they tell me to do something about it. Take a stand! Speak for yourself! Move! Who’s stopping you?

Thats when the answer strikes me really hard across my face. Me. I am stopping myself for even being honest in front of my partner, speaking about how I want to live. I am ashamed by the fact that I am asking something for myself. May be deep down I am guilty. My conscious tells me that this will hurt people, even though this has nothing to do with them.

Asking something for myself is selfish. Who specifically told me this? No one but this is ingrained in me from the society. Good girl norms? May be. But hasn’t it fucked my mind? I could’ve been happy knowing that this was my only option but when I know I am smart enough to be whatever the fuck I want to be..It sucks to Sush my inner voice, the emotional turbulence, every other day & settle for a bit of modern girl turmoil.

I am clueless amidst wants & needs. Who am I? Why I am here? If not to be who I believe I am?

Understanding

It’s hard to stay happy & enthusiastic about life as an adult because people expect you to be understanding.

you are hurt, be understanding.

You hate being this person who gives in so easily but you need to understand that you have to be flexible. You can’t get mad, because if you do, then you might have no one to understand you. so YOU understand & keep that stupid heart of yours in control. Understand that this is what it is.

As an adult you have to fight with your inner voice before anyone in the world, be brave enough to take charge, to understand that people who truly love you, will stick around no matter what, they wont leave or make excuses for hurting you over & over again for the same thing.

Understand that every thing is not worth compromising your feelings. You dont have to kill your desires to be the most understanding person!

I looked everywhere…

Twenty six years and 362 days i have been trying to look at this world with my own glasses. I have imagined every life changing situation and practised almost every exhilarating expression i should know when the time comes to flaunt it. Sometimes i wonder i know too much about me, to some extent that it makes me love, pity, hate myself more than “them”.

I think too much,

Sometimes i lose my self,

sometimes i find that part.

Always a dreamer,

Lover by heart.

scared to be told-

what matters is not going to last!

nothing makes me happy

everything make me bad?

i hate this world sometimes.

i have few reasons to be mad or none may be,

i need to know things or I do not may be,

i spend sometime thinking about

where and when i might next shout.

i have a lot to do and i have none to do,

i hate what i like, people like that too!

i am learning to live it straight –

life is simple!

let’s quit playing silly games,

happy birthday to the27 year old

lets go in one direction now]\\

This has been in my drafts for 3 years now, a random rant before my 27th birthday which doesn’t even make sense to me today. Well..I do get some parts though.. here’s to not forgetting your mistakes & learning from it!

Cheers to life.

Solace in the woods

Something I scribbled on a notepad in my hotel room on a quick getaway to Jaipur & Pushkar this weekend..

Chaos in the woods,

in the hills

Or in city,

What is in the heart will remain,

You travel for the mind to change,

To hush those sounds,

you don’t want to hear,

To gaze a sky,

oh so clear,

What to do with an aching heart?

Find solace

In the woods,

In the hills –

Smell the flowers,

Soak a little sun,

You never know when a heart can turn. ❤️

Brave

Counting the stars to hiding in drawers
It’s that same moonlight

Dear God, Please give me some strength tonight;
I have to fight few demons & walk without light.

When my soul seeps out of my body
It’s hard to keep a hold, How do I control?

Days when you are too far yet too much on my mind,
Nights when world sleeps and i forget to put off my lights,

I try, I try

To keep calm, behave & smile
But It’s hard to keep a hold,
When you are loosing your mind…

I don’t remember when I wrote these lines, but when I stress myself emotionally & days after i read how i was feeling. It makes me sad that I did that to myself, that I could have just slept through it but thats just not me, maybe.

I promise to be more strong the next time.

Realistic films: Rajnigandha (1974)

Kahi Baar Yuhi Dekha Hai Ye Jo Mann Ki Seema Rekha Hai, man tod ne lagta hai.. Brilliant lyrics by Gulzar.

This movie has two beautiful songs and both are playing in loop in my head. This is my another amol palekar watch. The film has a love story, 70s swag, and simplicity at its best. Looking at Delhi and Mumbai of that era is going to make you nostalgic.

It’s a story about an educated, pretty girl Deepa (vidya Sinha) who has a boyfriend, Sanjay. She puts up with her brother & sister in law who are cool with their relationship & plans for marriage.

Sanjay (amol palekar) is a – always discussing work, got Stuck in office meeting so not on time for a date – kind of workaholic, which is annoying but then he always make up with a bouquet of rajnigandha (tuberose)💐…and you know how flowers assure us girls that we are special!!

When Deepa gets a job interview call from Mumbai, she is unsure –

a) because Sanjay’s job is in delhi & they are planning to get married, if she gets selected they would be living in different cities

b) Her ex boyfriend, Navin (Dinesh Thakur) is in Mumbai

c) her best friend with whom she will be staying in Mumbai is still friends with Navin, so they might bump into each other.

She discuss this with Sanjay, who is matured enough to understand the situation, he is okay with her ex being around as he trusts her & encourages her to go for the opportunity. He tells her he can also get a transfer, so it will be better if both of them will have a job.

Mumbai

Bestfriend assigns all her responsibilities to Navin as she is busy *lol*

Deepa meets Navin as he comes to pick her up at the railway station. Well settled, always on time, caring, page3 types. *Why-did-we-breakup-again?*

He had commitment issues :/

Okay so Navin has influencial contacts in Mumbai and He is trying his best to get Deepa that job.

Meanwhile there is something happening between them but not really. Deepa is kind of conscious in front of him. he is also quite caring for her. May be the love they had is rekindled, he still have some feelings for her.

Last day in Mumbai : Deepa is waiting if Navin would tell her anything, anything about them, a fact that assures her that there is something between them & not just in her head. But he says nothing.

Delhi

She reaches back home & recieves message from sanjay that he is not in town for few days, she doesn’t care. She is desperately waiting for Navin’s letter. He said he would write to her. May be he was shy, may be he would write to her about his feelings, may be.

After few days, she gets her selection letter. Navin’s letter comes in later that day. He writes her everything but nothing that she wanted to read. Was that all a delusion?

Just when she is so agitated with helplessness & uncertainty of that moment, enters Sanjay with a bouquet of rajnigandha!

She realises that truth is what she have right in front of her, reality is what she has with him. Trust, commitment, a relationship!

You will watch this movie from Deepa’s perspective. That’s the beauty, it involves you. Simple, subtle yet emotionally intriguing Storytelling.

Sometimes we not just admire the grass on the other field but in our imagination we find ourselves much happier living on that side. But thats just mirage! Deepa chose not to give up on stability for uncertainty. She accepted her flawed relationship over the one in her mind fueling her fears of being not chosen again.

If this post makes you want to watch the movie, it’s on YouTube. Also let me know how you find this post!

Little birdie

Spreading over my garden,

One cloudy sky

making loud noises, like a grumpy child,

Flowers running around

& leaves grasping the grass,

You fly little birdie
the wind is blowing fast.

Swim like a fish when the tide go up high

Hold on little birdie

You are brave, you will survive.

Look a rainbow!

& the scattered colors in the sky,

hold on to the colors little birdie
the wind is about to die

Close your eyes & take a glorious flight

you go little birdie, you will be just fine,

You go little birdie, the sky is all yours to shine!